The Logan Presents: How To Survive Finals Week

Final Exam

Finals Week. The week in college that sees more tears, sweat, and anger than any other week besides freshman orientation. We at The Logan want to help make sure you ace your finals and pass that class! Here are some tips to help keep your sanity in check while stuDYING (Get it? Dying?).

Stress Eat Everything You Can

  • Although the “experts” will tell you that overeating in times of stress is detrimental to your health and can create an unhealthy dependency, they’re usually just nerds in lab coats. By eating an excess of greasy and sugary foods, you can finally fill the void created by the knowledge of the fact that if you fail this test you can’t get into the business school!

Overthink Everything

  • One surefire way to get that “A” is to overthink everything! How much do I need to get on this final to pass? How much sleep would I get if I went to bed right now? Why did my father leave me? Is my boyfriend cheating on me? Am I getting fat? These are all some fun things to think about while trying to figure out supply and demand!

Don’t Forget To Exercise… Your Right To Bear Arms

  • During finals week, it’s easy to feel like you have no control over your life. Get some of that control back by carrying a firearm with you everywhere you go! With a semi-automatic rifle in your hands, that test doesn’t stand a chance!

The “Dress Well, Test Well” Philosophy

  • Many students believe in the “Dress Well, Test Well” philosophy which simply states that by dressing better, you are more likely to do well on your test. By that same logic, you can adopt the “Don’t Dress, Don’t Test” philosophy: if you show up to your test naked, you’re not going to have to take the test! Use this nifty life hack to make the most of your classes!

Remember The Importance Of Sleep

  • If being well rested has been proven to increase test scores, just imagine what a self-induced coma could do! Thanks to the wonders of science, this can be achieved with a few simple armed demands to your medical professional. Once you wake up in a few years, you’ll be ready to ace that exam. Don’t let the bedbugs bite!

Be Confident

  • Confidence can be the difference between an “A” and a “B” on an exam. You can increase your confidence in a few different ways! While one of the most popular ways to get that confidence boost is to stand over your roommate while they’re asleep and whisper “Oh, how the puny mortals need sleep. I am a God of learning” for hours, many have found success in going to the classroom early and peeing on the teacher’s desk in order to assert dominance.

Remember That Ultimately None Of This Matters

  • Realize that none of this really matters. Every second you spent studying is another second of your life you can never get back. If you die tonight, what would be the last thing you did during your limited time in existence? Study for O-Chem? We live and then we die. Nothing lasts forever. We are nothing more than flesh and bones and everything you do will eventually mean nothing.

Smile!

  • Something as simple as a smile at a stranger can make somebody’s day! Don’t be afraid to spread a little happiness!
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Semester’s Worth Of Pain And Anguish Alleviated After Professor Brings Candy To Class


Candy
Math professor Jason Hoss generously brought various candies for students

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– All hatred and loathing felt towards math professor Jason Hoss was gone in an instant on Monday after the kind and gracious professor brought a bag of assorted candies to “help students get motivated to take the final.”

“Professor Hoss had been my least favorite teacher by far. I used to lay awake at night, dreaming of punching his stupid face over and over again,” Trey Grant told reporters. “But after he told me I could have not only one, but two mini-Snickers? I’ve completely forgotten about his unfair grading system and obvious favoritism towards certain students.”

“I just wanted to treat the kids,” Hoss said of his generosity and charity. “Hopefully that will make up for the time I ripped up a kid’s test in front of the class because he brought a graphing calculator instead of a four function calculator.”

Student after student lined up to enjoy candies such as mini Twix bars, mini Snickers, and even mini Milky Ways.

“All the lost nights of sleep trying to teach myself the course, all the tears of frustration after being knocked off 20 points for forgetting a negative sign; that’s all gone,” Junior student Sarah Fulton said while enjoying a mini box of Nerd candies. “Hoss is, without a doubt, the best teacher at Gonzaga. I’m sure this isn’t a transparent attempt to bribe us into giving him a good review.”

At press time, Hoss was reportedly finishing writing the final exam, which he told students he “might even put one extra credit point” on if they behave themselves. What a guy!

American Idol auditions coming to Spokane, WA

Star Bar

“American Idol” will be hosting next season’s auditions at Karaoke Night at Star Bar

Guest post by Lamar Kingston

SPOKANE, WA – The Logan neighborhood has not always been known for its admirable talents, but every Thursday night one bar puts a spot light on those who have a dream of something bigger. “The Star” (aka “Star Bar”) host a karaoke night every Thursday for the Spokane community which has been popularized thanks to the devout Gonzaga University students. It did not take long for the buzz of this tradition to capture the attention of national television programs.

American Idol has been America’s top show for taking every day Joes and turning them into mediocre musical sensations. Tom Spudnick, an executive producer for American Idol, was eager to make some changes to the show. “We really wanted to bring a much more urban sound to the show” Spudnick said “‘Star Bar’ is the only place where singers have that unique sound where they don’t care how loud they’re singing, what notes they need to hit, or even what the lyrics to the song are! That careless attitude is what makes a star!” After several months of convincing FOX studios Spudnick was finally able to bring American Idol to “Star Bar” in Spokane Washington.

The excitement about the news has begun to spread throughout Spokane and the Logan neighborhood. “Star Bar” general manager Johnny Tang thinks it is about time the talent at the bar was noticed, “I’ve seen so much talent come through here…” Tang told the Logan, “…if fact I was the first one to encourage Fantasia Barrino (American Idol season 3 winner) to start singing when she entered the bar and had 4 Long Island Ice Teas.” This was the last thing Tang was able to say to the Logan before being dragged up to the karaoke stage for an encore of “Party in the USA”.

Auditions for at “Star Bar” American Idol are open to all Spokanites of all ages. Rumors as to who is going to audition are beginning to rise up as Gonzaga President Thayne McCulloh tweeted “YES!! #PeaceOutSeacrest”.

GU Study Abroad Expands to Include Gonzaga-in-Las Vegas

Vegas

Gonzaga’s already expansive study abroad program now includes Las Vegas, NV

Guest post by Deb McGee

LAS VEGAS, NV – Museum tours in Florence, theater in London, service work in Zambia, and now, slot machines and neon signs in Las Vegas: GU Study Abroad truly has it all.

Following the 12th championship title for the Bulldogs in 15 years at the WCC Tournament in Las Vegas, Nev., Director of Study Abroad, Richard Menard announced the formation of a brand new study abroad opportunity.

“We offer over 60 programs, but it’s high time we provide students with an opportunity to excel in areas where we already know their passions lie: binge drinking, watching basketball, and blowing excessive amounts of money on useless junk,” Menard said.

A study abroad adventure has been a critical element of the Gonzaga experience for nearly a decade. Now students have the opportunity to seek out a cultural immersion with the additional benefit of gaining valuable life skills.

No longer must students slog through an Italian language course with a head splitting hangover. At Gonzaga-in-Las Vegas, students will simply stay drunk for days at a time.

Management and Operations students will not waste their time with core classes abroad. Many will plan new routes for party buses. Engineers will identify the shortest distance from the Roulette wheel to the bar without getting caught in the penny slots.

Course opportunities will also include Club Light Design, Bracketology, Counting Cards, and History of the Power Hour.

“It’s just refreshing to know that the University understands what I want out of my study abroad experience,” junior Jennifer Green said before ordering 450 dollar bottle service.

In accordance with GU’s mission statement, Gonzaga-in-Las Vegas will encourage the development of the whole person. While students’ minds are stimulated by the aforementioned academic options, their bodies will benefit from physical education courses taught by nationally celebrated dancer and escort, Starburst Brookside.

“Yas,” Brookside said.

While the Office of Study Abroad expects this new program to attract students’ attention, they anticipate low enrollment for the first semester since the university could only obtain three plane tickets of the thousands available.

“GU has a long history of putting students through hell to get tickets for things. Hashtag Catholic guilt,” Menard explained.

With the addition of Gonzaga-in-Las Vegas, students can look forward to a semester of bad decisions, several years of debt, and a lifetime of regret.

April Fools’ Fun: Thayne McCulloh Wishes Students A “Happy Tuesday”

thayne-mcculloh

President Thayne McCulloh has been causing a ruckus on campus 

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– Multiple accounts have been coming in claiming that Gonzaga University President Thayne McCulloh has been participating in an April Fools’ Day prank by wishing students a “Happy Tuesday” when it is, in fact, a Wednesday.

“I’m just a fun-loving guy and I want to let the students know how hip I am,” McCulloh told reporters on Wednesday. “See, the beauty of the prank is that I’m telling students to have a good Tuesday, but it’s actually Wednesday. I hope I haven’t caused too much of a ruckus!”

The reactions from students regarding the prank have been mixed.

“I guess I was kind of confused for a second?” Sophomore Gavin Holcombs said of the prankster. “To be honest, it was weirder seeing Thayne running away giggling to himself.”

At press time, President McCulloh wrapped up his statement by telling the media to have a “great rest of the Friday” before chuckling to himself and assuring the press that it was still indeed Wednesday.

Pathetic Freshman Still Checks Mailbox Four Times A Week

Mail

Freshman idiot Howard Strauss checks his mailbox for the fourth time this week

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– In a pathetic demonstration of optimism and futility, Gonzaga freshman Howard Strauss checked his mailbox for the fourth time this week on Wednesday.

Strauss, a seemingly normal business student, told reporters that he wasn’t even expecting any specific package or letter and that he was just checking “just in case” someone cared about him enough to send him something.

“You never know, maybe my parents sent me something,” The naïve fool told reporters. “It’s just better to be safe rather than sorry, ya feel?”

Of course, many students didn’t “feel.” According to eyewitness reports, watching Strauss’ actions were “just so sad” and “painful to watch.”

“When I saw [Strauss] come down to check his mail on Monday, I thought nothing of it,” Eyewitness Brittany Hogarth told reporters. “But after the third and fourth time he would open his empty mailbox and just stare, it just bummed us all out. I do my homework in Foley now. It’s just so sad.”

“My mom sends me care packages sometimes,” The piece of human garbage went on, trying to defend his pathetic actions. “She’s great. Sometimes she sends cookies or little notes telling me good luck on my exams. It totally makes my day.”

Kayla Gross, Head of Mail Services, told reporters that the mailroom is currently in talks of restricting Strauss’ accessibility to the mailroom to a less pathetic two times a week.

“He’s bumming everybody out in here,” Gross told reporters. “Last week he made a girl run out crying. Watching his persistent optimism be constantly destroyed by the reality that nobody cares about him enough to send him anything is just too much for us.”

At press time, Strauss told reporters that he was planning on checking his mail for an unprecedented fifth time, a statement that caused one member of the press to faint and this reporter to openly sob.

Study: Although Duke Beat Gonzaga, Our Dads Could Totally Beat Theirs In A Fight

Elite Eight Zags

Reports on Sunday found that, despite a loss to Duke in the Elite Eight, Gonzaga dads were 100% more likely to win a fight against Duke dads

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– After months of research, scientists at Gonzaga University came to the conclusion on Sunday that, although Gonzaga’s basketball team lost to Duke 66-52 in the NCAA tournament, our dads could totally beat their dads in a fight.

Dr. Ricardo Juves, a professor of sociology at Gonzaga, told reporters that the conclusions were absolutely definitive and accurate.

“While it is true Duke may have beat us in basketball,” Juves said in his 79 page study. “It is my professional opinion, based on months of research and experiments, that our dads would totally beat [Duke’s] dads in a fight. Probably even with one hand tied behind their backs.”

Students at Gonzaga told reporters that Juves’ findings lent a certain level of comfort following the tragic loss.

“I was really upset at first,” Senior Paul Browning said through tears. “But it’s nice to know that, no matter how devastating that loss was, our dads could beat their dads’ asses if they wanted to.”

Duke researcher Dr. Carl Ross countered Dr. Juves’ bold claims, publicly stating, “Nuh-uh, our dads are way stronger.” Although the academic community briefly sided with Dr. Ross, their feelings changed once Dr. Juves brought forth new evidence that showed that Dr. Juves’ team was rubber, whereas Dr. Ross’ team was glue; a development which has led some to conclude that everything Dr. Ross said would simply bounce off of Dr. Juves and remain stuck on Dr. Ross.