Junior Glenn Matterson is worried about air quality following a series of wildfires in the area
GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– Gonzaga junior and cigarette smoker Glenn Matterson expressed his concern on Thursday regarding the air quality of Spokane following a series of wildfires in eastern Washington.
“It’s ridiculous how much smoke has covered our city in such a short time,” Matterson said while taking a puff from his Marlboro Gold. “I mean, it can’t be good for the environment, much less for the health of students.
The so-called “Okanogan Complex” contains a group of five wildfires. The complex has grown to over 400 square miles making it the largest in state history.
“Quite frankly, I’m worried to go outside,” Matterson said while taking a deep drag of carcinogens, carbon monoxide, and addictive properties. “Breathing in all that smoke from the fires? That can’t be healthy.”
“I don’t want to die young from inhaling all that shit out there,” Matterson added while putting out his fifth cigarette of the day. “I’ll probably minimize my time spent outside, which will suck.”
Matterson had to cut his interview short due to an extended episode of hacking violently into his shirt and spitting a wad of brown phlegm onto the floor before adding, “See? This air is already affecting me!” and heading to his car to light another cigarette away from the deadly toxins in the air.