Pathetic Freshman Still Checks Mailbox Four Times A Week


Freshman idiot Howard Strauss checks his mailbox for the fourth time this week

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– In a pathetic demonstration of optimism and futility, Gonzaga freshman Howard Strauss checked his mailbox for the fourth time this week on Wednesday.

Strauss, a seemingly normal business student, told reporters that he wasn’t even expecting any specific package or letter and that he was just checking “just in case” someone cared about him enough to send him something.

“You never know, maybe my parents sent me something,” The naïve fool told reporters. “It’s just better to be safe rather than sorry, ya feel?”

Of course, many students didn’t “feel.” According to eyewitness reports, watching Strauss’ actions were “just so sad” and “painful to watch.”

“When I saw [Strauss] come down to check his mail on Monday, I thought nothing of it,” Eyewitness Brittany Hogarth told reporters. “But after the third and fourth time he would open his empty mailbox and just stare, it just bummed us all out. I do my homework in Foley now. It’s just so sad.”

“My mom sends me care packages sometimes,” The piece of human garbage went on, trying to defend his pathetic actions. “She’s great. Sometimes she sends cookies or little notes telling me good luck on my exams. It totally makes my day.”

Kayla Gross, Head of Mail Services, told reporters that the mailroom is currently in talks of restricting Strauss’ accessibility to the mailroom to a less pathetic two times a week.

“He’s bumming everybody out in here,” Gross told reporters. “Last week he made a girl run out crying. Watching his persistent optimism be constantly destroyed by the reality that nobody cares about him enough to send him anything is just too much for us.”

At press time, Strauss told reporters that he was planning on checking his mail for an unprecedented fifth time, a statement that caused one member of the press to faint and this reporter to openly sob.