Phil Steinman, a senior from Granite Falls High School, has had his acceptance revoked
GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– Panic swept through the Gonzaga Office of Admissions on Sunday after it was discovered that Phil Steinman, an accepted senior from Granite Falls, WA, refused to take a picture with the statue of Spike the Bulldog outside of the McCarthy Athletic Center.
“We have a very intense, careful selection process here at Gonzaga,” Heather Montoya, representative for the Office of Admissions, said in a written statement on Sunday. “At the time, we believed that Steinman would be a good fit for the university. However, in light of recent actions by Mr. Steinman, we have decided that he does not embody the qualities that we look for in our Zags.”
“Taking a photo with Spike has been a tradition for incoming freshmen that is as old as the statue itself,” Montoya went on to say. “Ask any student at Gonzaga and they’ll show you the picture their parents took of them with Spike. Mr. Steinman’s refusal to honor this tradition is, honestly, as disrespectful to this university as it would have been if he had urinated on the desk of our President while screaming that Bing Crosby is the worst thing to happen to the world besides Kevin Pangos.”
Steinman, Granite Fall’s valedictorian, senior class president, and football star, claimed that he “had a high fever and pink eye” and “didn’t think that a picture would be worth potentially infecting others” from two very contagious diseases. However, students and faculty alike aren’t changing their view of the AP scholar and National Merit Scholarship finalist.
“You don’t have to like doing it, but you have to do it regardless,” Senior Kacie O’Rourke said of Steinman’s behavior. “It’s despicable. I have never met the kid, but I hate everything he is and everything he represents.”
“I’ve been collaborating with many other professors from all disciplines, including science, math, and psychology, to try to figure out the rationale behind Mr. Steinman’s behaviors,” Sociology professor Dr. Roy Terrance told the media. “After exhausting research and thousands of dollars spent on experiments, it is our professional conclusion that Mr. Steinman is a lil’ bitch.”
The university has revoked Steinman’s acceptance and scholarships, and has also reached out to the Jesuit community encouraging them not to take Steinman as a potential student. While these punishments seem harsh, the Office of Admissions is adamant that they are necessary. In this reporter’s opinion, however, no punishment is too much for this monster.