BREAKING: Even President McCulloh Doesn’t Know Where the Hell Roncalli Is
Roncalli – Allegedly

Guest article by Kane

SPOKANE, WA –  In a shocking press conference this morning on the Gonzaga University campus it was revealed that even President Thayne McCulloh does not know the location of Roncalli House.

“I think it’s like by Lake Arthur,” McCulloh said to a standing room only crowd,  “Oh that doesn’t sound right…no wait, it’s behind Pita Pit right—good God is it up on Nora?”

According to the university, Roncalli houses some 40 male first and second year students within its walls. For decades, the campus as a whole has agreed that the mysterious Roncalli House definitely exists, but there has yet to be a confirmed sighting by a non-­resident. However, despite its enigmatic presence, some claim to have caught rare glimpses of the building. Though the reports varied greatly.

“Yeah, I think I saw it once,” said freshman Jeremy Adams, “I think it was made of wood—like a  log cabin. Yeah Roncalli is definitely a log cabin.”

“I  heard Roncalli is just that laser tag place downtown,” said junior Casey Kehn, “When it gets late they just let them in and they all claim a corner where there’s the least black lights.” Still others have claimed to have actually been inside the dormitory.

“Roncalli  is amazing,” said one junior girl. “I hooked up with a kid from Roncalli once. They have drinking fountains with Hawaiian Punch in their rooms and the carpets—” she paused dramatically, “Are made of PANDA fur. I shit you not.” When asked whether or not Roncalli did in fact use endangered panda fur for their carpet, President  McCulloh could only say, “Good Lord, I hope not.”

Regardless of the speculation Roncalli Dormitory maintains its status as an open and operating dormitory—proving that even in the modern age of the Internet and Google Maps somethings just cannot be found. “It’s like Narnia or something,” said one senior student, “You just have to stumble into it and be like, Damn…I’m in Roncalli—better save some animals from a witch. You know?”


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