BREAKING: BYU’s Tyler Haws Tests Positive For Coffee, Caffeinated Tea

Tyler Haws

BYU’s star shooting guard has tested positive for multiple substances, including caffeine

BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY, PROVO, UT– Reports came in on Thursday that BYU’s star player, Tyler Haws, will not play in Saturday’s game against Gonzaga after testing positive for caffeine and trace amounts of tobacco.

Haws, a devout member of the Church of Latter-day Saints, said that he was “ashamed of his actions” in his public written statement, and that his behaviors “in no way reflected the beliefs of BYU or his teammates.”

In his statement, Haws provided a graphic description of how the events transpired. WARNING: the content that follows may be disturbing to some readers (language, dark subject matter, stressful situations).

“I went to a party like I do every weekend, but this time Chad forgot Boggle AND Pictionary. At this point, Lisa has this big grin on her face and slyly said, ‘Why don’t we do something… different? How about bowling?’ We all stood there shocked. But then, one by one, we came around to the idea. I wasn’t comfortable with going to a bowling alley, or “Satan’s Playground,” as my parents have called them, but I figured, [EDITOR’S NOTE: Graphic language] heck, I was young and it was a Friday night by golly. The next few hours were a blur. I don’t remember much, but I did find myself breathing in second hand smoke from some smokers outside the alley. I eventually looked down and saw myself with not one, but TWO Starbucks cups, one coffee and one tea…”

For the sake of our readers, The Logan has omitted the rest of the story due to disturbing content.

This event is similar to a 2013 incident in which Coach Dave Rose walked in on Haws watching The Matrix, an R-rated film. While Haws got off with a warning in 2013, school officials told Haws that his next violation would be much more severe.

Although the specifics of Haws’ punishment from the university haven’t been disclosed besides the game against Gonzaga on Saturday, speculation is that Haws could face suspension or, in the worst-case situation, even expulsion.

I’ve always been our team’s bad boy,” Haws said, describing the way in which one time he wrote an F in front of BYU’s art building, making it say ‘Fart Building’. “But this time I took it too far. I apologize to my team, my church, my family, and my school for my actions, and I will accept the consequences without hesitation.”

Gonzaga head coach Mark Few appeared almost more upset, citing that now his team had to “play the equivalent of a middle school junior varsity women’s team.”