Stressed Freshman Unable To “Zag Up,” Swears This Doesn’t Normally Happen

Zag Up Concerns

Lawrence Garrison, freshman, is physically unable to Zag Up.

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– Citing a recent drop in grades, an increased frequency of exams, and a recent cold, Gonzaga freshman Lawrence Garrison told sources Sunday that he has been unable to “Zag Up” recently, although he claims this doesn’t usually happen.

One of the most popular slogans for Gonzaga sports programs is “Zag Up!” The slogan encourages students to elevate themselves to be the classy, loud, enthusiastic fans that the university has come to expect from its students. For most people, Zagging Up is no problem. Garrison, however, is not most people.

“When I was younger, I had no problem Zagging Up. I could Zag Up on demand, really. And I could sustain it for hours at a time with no problem,” Garrison told reporters. “But recently, I haven’t been able to Zag Up at all. This isn’t normal, I swear.”

Garrison’s inability has affected more than just himself, sources reported. Garrison’s recent failures have been beginning to take a toll on his girlfriend, Cindy Thompson.

“It’s been weeks since he’s been able to Zag Up,” Thompson said of her boyfriend’s struggles. “I’ve had to tell him over and over again, ‘It happens to everyone at some point’ and ‘It makes him no less a Zag,’ but I’m starting to have a hard time believing it myself.”

“I just miss the early days, when he would Zag Up an impressive amount,” Thompson continued. “And not just at men’s basketball games. Women’s basketball, soccer games, even tennis matches. Hell, sometimes he’d just Zag Up in his dorm to show off. I just miss that, you know?

When asked what he was planning on doing about the problem, Garrison said he wasn’t sure.

“A friend offered me a pill that he said would help me Zag Up,” Garrison went on to say. “But I’m pretty sure that’s ecstasy and I don’t want to get involved with that.”

Reporters didn’t have time for follow up questioning, as they left quickly after having walked in on Garrison watching old basketball highlights in a futile attempt to Zag Up again.

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