President Thayne McCulloh Expresses Concern About Suspicious Absence Of Gnats

Thayne Tweet

Pictured: A tweet from President Thayne McCulloh sent out in October of 2014

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– Gonzaga President Thayne McCulloh expressed his concern Monday about the “suspicious lack of gnats” on campus in the past few months.

McCulloh’s suspicion stems from the irregular amount of Wooly Blue Aphids that plagued campus for the better parts of September and October. The aphids, commonly mistaken by students to be gnats, were seemingly everywhere in the early part of the school year. It would not have been unusual for students discover the insects in their mouths, hair, or clothes

“Those little guys were all over campus, and then they just stopped?” President McCulloh commented. “No, that can’t be it. Why would they have given in like that? They’re up to something. I don’t know what, but I’ll find out.”

President McCulloh went on to describe the way that “something that big and powerful doesn’t just stop as suddenly” as the aphids had.

“Would Napoleon have just stopped conquering cities for no reason? Would Attila The Hun? Hitler? This doesn’t sit right with me,” McCulloh continued. “They’re going to come back. That’s for sure. But how many of them? And when? Will they have evolved?”

President McCulloh ensured that “a swift and powerful vengeance must rain upon [the aphids] with a force never before seen by this campus.”

“As of today, I have dedicated 30% of our budget towards the final and total extermination of these godless pests,” President McCulloh told reporters. “Herak [Center for Engineering] will now be used as headquarters to aid us in this great fight.”

“These are terrifying times,” President McCulloh said in his concluding statements. “And we must become equally as terrifyingly. They showed us no mercy, and we shall extend to them the same cruelty.”

President McCulloh paused for several seconds while staring in the distance with a troubled look on his face, then uttering, “May God have mercy on us. May God have mercy on us all.” Before exiting the press conference.