According To Yik Yak, Students Who Don’t Find Love By Valentine’s Day Guaranteed To Die Alone

Lonely Student

Pictured: You, if you don’t find your significant other by Valentine’s Day

 GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– After extensive research performed by the popular anonymous social media app Yik Yak, the company has concluded that if you don’t have a date by this upcoming Valentine’s Day you are guaranteed a life of loneliness and will end up alone forever.

“Yik Yak was originally created in order to get a look into the minds of college students, seeing as they make up one of the largest demographics that companies target,” Yik Yak spokesman Harold Statton told reporters. “In the past few weeks, our researchers have discovered an increased number of Yaks, specifically from the Gonzaga campus, about how much it will suck to be single on February 14th and appeals to the general public for cuddling/Netflix sessions in lieu of a serious relationship. We decided we had to research more to figure out what was going on.”

The results of the study, according to Statton, were impossible to argue.

“While the past mentality has always been that Valentine’s Day is just another day that really doesn’t affect singles too much, the overwhelming evidence by Yik Yak users says otherwise. Why else would there be so many young adults, all of whom are attending a prestigious private college and receiving a quality education, complaining about not having a guaranteed hookup or cuddle buddy for Saturday?”

Statton says that the meticulous analysis of popular Yaks has not only proved that you will definitely never find happiness if you find yourself dateless this Valentine’s Day, but also that nobody in your past has ever loved you and nobody ever will.

“We also concluded that being single is the worst thing to happen to somebody besides the death of a family member,” Statton said of the study. “Additionally, everybody currently in a relationship is way happier than you are and there is never any stress of tension in their lives. Our studies also show that 100% of successful, happy marriages have been the result of rushing to find a date so you don’t look like a nerd.”

Statton concluded his statement by assuring the public that the best chance you’ll have of finding the love of your life, whom you will cherish forever, is by posting an anonymous Yak that describes how lonely you are and how you would make such a good wife/husband.

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