Breathalyzers To Be Installed at Entrances to McCarthey Athletic Center, BARC

Students upset about mandatory Breathalyzer exams to enter buildings

BOONE AVENUE RETAIL CENTER, SPOKANE, WA – In an attempt to ensure the safety and law regulation of students, Gonzaga University has announced today that there will be mandatory Breathalyzer exams for all students entering both the McCarthey Athletic Center and the BARC cafeteria. Those who do not blow “double zeros,” indicating absolute sobriety, will then be escorted out of the building written up by Campus Security.

“This needed to happen,” stated Leslie Trucker, Director of Campus Public Safety & Security, “I can’t tell you how many times during Zombie Nation I’ve seen kids get sick on each other or try to take their pants off.”

The main problem, according to Trucker, is the school’s reputation.  “When people come into the Kennel, they should feel welcomed. I don’t want opposing teams feeling scared to come to Spokane because our student section is so rowdy,” she said, “The other teams and their fans should love to come to Gonzaga. It should be their favorite place to play. We want to pride ourselves on the most docile fans in the nation.”

The decision to install Breathalyzers on the entrance to the BARC came after security officials learned about the term “drunchies” last week.  Though late on the uptake, Trucker admits that “it does make a lot of sense” why students crave free unlimited food after heavy drinking.  “Obviously they’re drunk and hungry, so they’ll want to come to a safe place with lots of food. We don’t want that. We’d much rather send them to McDonald’s in the cold. You know, I never thought about how this may influence BARC sales. I wonder how the attendance to the BARC will be after this policy in instated…Crap,” Trucker admitted.

The BARC is serving Swedish Meatballs and Chop Suey tonight.