The Logan Presents: Everything The Casual Sports Fan Needs To Know For Super Bowl XLIX

Super Bowl XLIX

You can watch the super bowl at 6:30 PM EST on Sunday, February 1st on NBC

Too busy to watch sports? Just moved to the U.S. from London? Engineer major? Whatever your reason may be for not keeping up with football, The Logan has you covered. Use this article to impress your friends with your Super Bowl knowledge this Sunday.

THE BASICS

What teams are playing?

The Seattle Seahawks will be facing the New England Gronkowsis (Or The Gronks, to New England fans)

Where are they playing?

The game will be held at the University of Phoenix Stadium, marking the first time the Super Bowl will be played online for an affordable price.

How did the teams get there?

Seattle: The Seahawks went 12-4 in the regular season. They eventually went on to beat the Panthers before beating the Packers during overtime in the NFC championships, marking the beginning of the 15 years of famine that historians will later call Green Bay’s “Dark Times.”

New England: Deflated balls.

What are with the controversies I’ve heard so much about?

New England: The Patriots were thrust into the scrutiny of the league after Tom Brady was accused of having deflated his testicles, which would have made it easier for him to scramble out of the pocket. Brady blamed the phenomenon on colder temperatures.

Seattle: Seattle running back Marshawn Lynch has been fined by the NFL multiple times this year. The most recent fine was given to Lynch as a result of him grabbing his crotch, although sources close to Lynch claim that he was just making sure his balls were properly inflated.

The other fines have been given to Lynch for refusing to speak to the media. This has resulted in Beast Mode giving interviewers only one phrase per interview, which has ranged from “President Bush was a bad, bad man” to “If there aren’t any ghosts, then what did I see in Russell’s basement?” which has upset reporters.

THE TEAMS

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

PLAYERS TO WATCH

  • QB Russell Wilson: Be on the lookout for Seattle’s young, energetic, intelligent quarterback who is still recovering after a traumatic, almost season-ending American Family Insurance commercial.
  • CB Richard Sherman: The self-proclaimed best corner in the league and others-pronounced most hated corner in the league. Loves yelling, trash talking, and Richard Sherman.
  • P Jon Ryan: Combine the fact that every single throw of Ryan’s has been a touchdown pass with his unprecedented 100% completion rate and you can be sure that this tenacious punter will lead the team to victory.
  • RB Marshawn Lynch: Yeah.

FACTS TO KNOW

  • The nickname of the hard-hitting backfield made up of Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas III, Kam Chancellor, and Byron Maxwell is the L.O.B., which stands for Love Our Babushka; a reference towards the players’ shared Russian grandmother.
  • After every rushing touchdown, Marshawn Lynch will immediately eat a handful of Skittles, followed by a medium-rare fillet mignon, 2 live lobsters, and a pack of Oreos.
  • Kicker Steve Hauschka begins each kick by allowing a single tear to roll down his cheek before gently whispering, “I’m so sorry, football. I’m so sorry.”
  • The reoccurring number 12 represents the number of packs of gum that head coach Pete Carroll goes through per quarter.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

PLAYERS TO WATCH

  • QB Tom Brady: New England’s favorite son is looking to find his fourth Super Bowl win, but is having even more trouble looking to find for himself.
  • Head Coach Bill Belichick: Look for this veteran coach to implement some exciting new trick plays to get a win this Sunday, such as The “Hold-Refs-Daughter-Hostage” or The “Put-Small-Knives-In-Linemen’s’-Gloves.”
  • TE Rob Gronkowski: Expect another dominant performance from Gronkowski, assuming New England staff will be able to awaken the powerful and ancient beast from his slumber and call him forth from his unholy palace by game time.
  • WR Julian Edelman: The multi-threat receiver has been known to call the footballs “his babies” and get extremely protective when a defender tries to strip it from him. Don’t expect too many dropped passes from Edelman.

FACTS TO KNOW

  • This is the Patriot’s eighth Super Bowl appearance, which is nine more than the Jacksonville Jaguars.
  • Cornerback Darrelle Revis got his nickname, “Revis Island,” after it was discovered he had a tiny Polynesian tribe living on his back when he was 15 years old.
  • The latest odds have the Patriots beating Seattle in the big game, but other odds have the Seahawks beating Patriots in hand-to-hand combat, archery, and sportsmanship.
  • Running back Shane Vereen was benched during practice for snickering whenever somebody said “deflated balls.”

Now that you know everything there is to know about Super Bowl XLIX, go out there and try not to laugh every time a commercial with a dog acting like a human comes on.

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