CM, Desmet Resume High Level Talks Amid Tensions

CM v. Desmet

Talks resumed Thursday after heightened tensions between the two dorms.

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– Catherine Monica (CM) and Desmet leadership resumed talks on Thursday in a bid to ease tensions and heated rhetoric that escalated last week.

The talks take place against a backdrop of mutual mistrust. CM leadership was outraged when they discovered feces in their showers, an act for which Desmet was blamed. Officials from Desmet have since denied any involvement in what has since been dubbed “Dookiegate,” yet CM and its Madonna allies have remained suspicious.

Following the events of Dookiegate, tension escalated on Saturday when CM flexed its muscles with a show of force by writing “Desmet sucks dongs lol #CM” on a Desmet stairwell. Desmet officials have since vowed an “awesome and unforgiving retaliation” on the “CM swine” who attacked their soil.

“Both parties are extremely unstable and unpredictable,” Coughlin resident Shaun Pilkman told reporters. “Coughlin, like always, is taking a neutral stance in this conflict. However, we urge both parties to consider the implications of their actions and to consider ending this once and for all.”

Desmet is apparently asking for 40 30-racks of Busch to compensate for damages caused by CM, a demand that CM officials are calling “ludicrous” and “will not be accepted.”

The Logan will keep you updated as new information is uncovered.

Syllabus Is The Most Philosophy Student Has Read In Months

Student Syllabus

Sophomore Jeremy O’Hare realizes his English syllabus is the most he’s read since May

 

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– While sitting in his philosophy class on Tuesday, Gonzaga sophomore Jeremy O’Hare realized that the syllabus he was handed was the most that he had read since the previous semester ended in May.

The syllabus, which was four pages long, seemed almost daunting to the biology major that had read little more than the results of Buzzfeed quizzes over the summer.

“I had to struggle to concentrate,” O’Hare said of the syllabus. “Who the hell writes a syllabus that’s four pages long? And I swear it was size 9 font. Maybe less.”

“The worst part is that [philosophy professor Lawrence] McConnell told us to read it on our own time, which means that he won’t even walk us through it.” O’Hare added.

At press time the modern day Odysseus decided to take a third brief break from his syllabus reading to play a game of FIFA.

“Most Diverse” Freshman Class To Include More Than 15 Students Of Color

Zag Wall

The incoming freshman class is the most diverse in Gonzaga’s 128-year history

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– According to university sources, the incoming freshman class is the “largest and most diverse” class in the history of Gonzaga. With more than 1,300 new students and 18 students of color, the class of 2019 is already breaking records.

“Every class we have here is special, that goes without saying,” University Dean of Student Life Ingrid Patterson said in a statement to press. “But this year’s class is truly something else. Not only is it one of the three brightest classes we’ve had academically, but it also boasts 18 students of color – four more than the previous record!”

“I’m tired of hearing people from other schools making fun of how white our school is,” Senior Riley Haversham told reporters. “Wait until they see that we’ll have more than 15 students of color in ONE class!”

“Last year, we threw an awesome Chinese New Year celebration for our Chinese classmates,” Gonzaga Celebrate Diversity Club president Harold Landry told press. “I’m almost concerned that this year we won’t have enough resources to do it again with the incoming class. We’ll find a way!”

The Gonzaga Office of Admissions has made a statement that, while proud of the increase in students of color admitted to the university, their goal is to double that amount to 36 by the class of 2027.

Cigarette Smoking Student Concerned About Spokane Air Quality

OkanoganFire

Junior Glenn Matterson is worried about air quality following a series of wildfires in the area

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– Gonzaga junior and cigarette smoker Glenn Matterson expressed his concern on Thursday regarding the air quality of Spokane following a series of wildfires in eastern Washington.

“It’s ridiculous how much smoke has covered our city in such a short time,” Matterson said while taking a puff from his Marlboro Gold. “I mean, it can’t be good for the environment, much less for the health of students.

The so-called “Okanogan Complex” contains a group of five wildfires. The complex has grown to over 400 square miles making it the largest in state history.

“Quite frankly, I’m worried to go outside,” Matterson said while taking a deep drag of carcinogens, carbon monoxide, and addictive properties. “Breathing in all that smoke from the fires? That can’t be healthy.”

“I don’t want to die young from inhaling all that shit out there,” Matterson added while putting out his fifth cigarette of the day. “I’ll probably minimize my time spent outside, which will suck.”

Matterson had to cut his interview short due to an extended episode of hacking violently into his shirt and spitting a wad of brown phlegm onto the floor before adding, “See? This air is already affecting me!” and heading to his car to light another cigarette away from the deadly toxins in the air.

NCAA Places Zags In March Madness Tournament Ahead Of Season

2016 Zags MMadness

NCAA officials placed the Zags in the March Madness tournament on Thursday

INDIANAPOLIS, IN– Quoting the tremendous amount of stress that goes into the selection process for the highly anticipated March Madness basketball tournament, NCAA officials have decided to expedite the process by placing the Gonzaga men’s basketball team at a 2 seed in the Southern region ahead of the Zags’ regular schedule.

“Look, the Zags have made it to The Dance for the past 17 years,” NCAA spokesman Harold Granger told reporters Thursday. “They’re gonna be strong again this year. They’re gonna make it like they always do. Why should we bother waiting until March?”

Gonzaga’s players were thrilled upon hearing the news.

“I was playing (NBA) 2K when I saw the news. Go Zags. #HoustonBound,” Senior Kyle Wiltjer said in a post on Twitter.

“I expected this much,” Center Przemeck Karnowski told reporters. “Some of (the NCAA officials) came to watch a practice and they seemed pleased.”

Although Gonzaga’s Kevin Pangos and Gary Bell Jr. graduated last May, the NCAA remains optimistic about the upcoming season for the Zags.

“Sure, they lost Pangos and Bell. But they still have Wiltjer, Przemeck, Sabonis, Dranginis, McClellan, and a bunch of other stars,” Granger said of the Zags. “And let’s be honest, the rest of the WCC doesn’t even come close to Few’s Zags. Is St. Mary’s even a threat anymore? Those games barely count.”

At press time, head coach Mark Few said that the team is already in a “champion mindset” and is confident to take on whichever team they will be facing March 17th, 2016.

Everything You Need To Know About The John J. Hemmingson Center

The JJHC

The $60 million dollar student center is full of exciting new features

With the end of August comes a whole new year of school. There have been a few changes on campus, but the most widely anticipated new feature is the opening of the John J. Hemmingson Center (or the JJHC, as students call it). Change can be both confusing and scary, so let The Logan walk you through some of the coolest features of the brand new $60 million student center.

Caffeine Fix

One of the most exciting features of the JJHC is the inclusion of a Starbucks in the lobby. Is the line too long? Don’t worry! Just head over to another Starbucks conveniently located directly behind the first one. In total, the JJHC will be home to more than 50 different Starbucks coffee shops.

Yes – There’s A Bar

As soon as construction on the JJHC began back in 1904, there were rumors that there would be a bar for students inside. As it turns out, there’s truth to this rumor! The bar, called The Trinity, will have the theme of “Jesus Is Watching” and will be staffed entirely by Jesuits and that one professor who believed in you so much.

Gonzaga Goes Green

The JJHC has already been lauded by many for its energy saving tactics. The new building will include lots of windows to let in natural lighting, candelabras in meeting rooms to replace electric lights, and is covered almost completely in trees to combat greenhouse gasses. Additionally, the JJHC will have only organic, locally sourced custodians.

The Wall

One of the coolest, high-tech features of the JJHC is the interactive digital welcome wall on which students may answer questions that appear. The Wall will record students’ answers and save them for up to 20 years. Some examples of questions that will be asked include “Have you ever consumed or sold illegal narcotics on school grounds? If so, please list your name and student ID!” and “What is your favorite spot to consume or sell illegal narcotics?” Fun!

A Beautiful View

The JJHC overlooks Mulligan field, which means you no longer have to bring those pesky binoculars to watch your crush play intramural soccer from afar. Score!

Construction Workers

Many students thought that construction workers were only a temporary part of Gonzaga’s campus while the JJHC was being built. Fortunately, the JJHC will house over 30 construction workers on site to address any construction-related questions students may have!

With more than two years and $60 million put into the JJHC, we hope it will live up to the hype! See you soon, Zags!

Hard Work Pays Off! Dedicated Student Fails Not One, But All His Final Exams

Lazy Student

After a tremendous amount of time and effort spent, sophomore Joel Lawler failed all of his classes

GONZAGA UNIVERSITY, SPOKANE, WA– In a generation that expects handouts and instant gratification, sophomore Joel Lawler is the refreshing exception that stands out. This hard-working business major managed to fail not one, not two, but all SIX of his classes, including two that he needed to get into the business school!

Wow!

Despite how easy Lawler may have made it seen, he actually put in a tremendous amount of work and discipline in order to pull off such a tremendous achievement.

“It was a long, stressful journey,” Lawler said of his achievement. “There were some days where I thought to myself, ‘maybe I should really go to class and get an education,’ but I thankfully stuck it out and just played more FIFA.”

“It was incredible,” Professor Jocelyn Powell said of her microeconomics student. “There was one point during the test when his eyes lit up and we all got pretty nervous, but he pulled off a 42% in the end. It’s absolutely incredible.”

“At one point during the weekend before the exam I actually saw him take what I thought was Adderall in front of a textbook and my heart dropped,” Lawler’s roommate Daniel Hobbs told reporters. “I thought for a second he was seriously going to buckle down and study. Turns out he just took ecstasy and proceeded to draw penises on every page. What a relief, man. What a relief.”

UPDATE: Sources close to the university claim that the school is going to recognize Lawler’s accomplishments by expelling him at a public ceremony to take place on Herak Lawn. More details will be published when they become available.